I can’t compartmentalize to save my life — usually.
A stressful day melds into a restless night; a cantankerous exchange, grumps me out. Work… life… conflicts… emotions – all swirl into one. I find it terribly difficult to pull them apart and put them in their deserved spots. I let things affect me, for better or for worse.
This trip is different.
For the first time in my life, I’ve found myself completely removed from our imminent reality. We meet our new little girl in two days.
TWO days. Actually, it’s about 39 hours and 30 minutes – but who’s counting.
Here’s where I’m at: I don’t feel anything. Well, that’s not completely true. I “feel” a lot of things – it’s just that the emotions are wholly unrelated to the fact that I (we) are about to be parents.
Parenthood: that’s responsible; that’s heavy.
Maybe I’m in denial.
Have I compartmentalized it away?
Two weeks ago, we got the call to say: It’s a go. I felt elated. The time — arrived — beckoning us to shift from our nine-year place of inertia. Movement. I was over-the-moon happy.
How did I feel about the idea of parenthood? Well, of that, I did a brilliant job evading. I physically packed for our pending pursuit; I mentally side-stepped the life-altering implications of this more-than-substantial subject.
The subsequent week found us in London.
Noise, lights, shiny objects … cheerful distractions from life’s weighty ruminations. I certainly felt in London too, but the feelings were of the turistico type. I felt grand, strolling up Regent Street towards Oxford Circus; marvellous, lingering over lunch with old friends near Covent Garden; splendid, catching classical English theatre steps from Trafalgar Square’s National Gallery; energized, tripping through Hampstead Heath’s dewy fescue, on an early morning run. London – how I love thee. I felt alive!
Regent Street
Covent Garden
Hampstead Heath
Wikipedia tells us that compartmentalization is apparently meant to be a defense mechanism to shield us from “mental discomfort”. Oh no, it also claims those with borderline personality disorders use it with frequency and panache! Phew, think I’ve dodged that bullet – this compartmentalization business is a one-time deal for me. But, it’s a big deal.
If I were to have an out-of-body experience and observe myself from on high, I’d find this insulated denial-cocoon, rather bizarre (frankly, if I were to have an out of body experience, I might be forced to revisit the applicability of the personality disorder stated above, too…).
My point is: I think of what’s to come… in passing. But something inhibits a committed emotional visit, guns ablaze. Perhaps it has something to do with The Wait, to date? So many twists and turns to have made it to where we are – maybe its safer to turtle in my familiar shell, than venture down the it’s-really-really-happening road… just in case there’s another hiccup to derail the train.
Or maybe I’m frightened to go there, in case I want to stop the train mid-station. Mind the Gap.
Our world is about to change. I get that – conceptually.
I thought by now I’d be nervous, scared, anxious, uneasy — possibly apprehensive, flustered, restless or … terror-stricken?! Isn’t this what new parents usually feel? I know life’s not a comparison game – my wise friend Louise rightly reminds me so! – but I feel none of those complex, scary emotions. On the flip side, I feel serene. Sure.
When I DO think about little Rani, a million questions flutter through my cortex:
- What will it be like to meet, the very first time?
- Will she like us; will we like her?
- Will she have mental/health issues coming from an orphanage environment?
- Will she be traumatized leaving what she knows?
- How will we communicate, speaking two different languages?
- Practically, tactically… will she ever have worn shoes… will she ever have cleaned her teeth… will she ever have used a toilet… will she ever have been in a car… or, for that matter, on a plane (we know the answer to that)?
Maybe that’s why I’m in this self-preserving place of peace, because I can’t answer these questions.
In aggregate they overwhelm; individually, they boggle the mind.
What I DO know is that we fly to Bhubaneswar tomorrow; Thursday, we meet our daughter for the very first time.
39 hours, 30 minutes.
The train has left the station… all aboard?!?
Horton the Elephant – For Rani
Blogging away…
What to bring?
Gifts for the orphanage kids.. tshirts, stickers, pencils, mini globes + my favourite.. neon-squishy balls
Brita's Blog 
You and a kagillion other people are counting down with you!!!!
WOW it is closeThe following is some advice so don’t read on if you don’t want to. (I can’t believe I am doing this – I hate it when other people think they can provide advise for someone else’s life. I will sign it with a different name so you won’t know I sent it)OK Please take this or notBefore starting a new job – there is excitement, anticipation, happiness etc. Two weeks into the job and the reality of the steep learning curve kicks in…. What you are doing is way way more significant than this. It takes time to establish any relationship. This child does not know you. You speak a different language and likely act differently than most of the adults she meets. Expect resistance, fear and perhaps anger. Not the best way to start a relationship but understandable in the circumstances. Perhaps my initial analogy should have been starting a new business – hard work and no returns for a period of time – then you reap the rewards. You are both wonderful people and your little girl is very lucky to have you – she will take some time to know this. OK one bit of what has worked for me with new circumstances – – for me, my natural automatic approach is to teach or explain – my more successful encounters happened when I learned to follow the lead of the child – do what she does and emulate it.Good luckSomeone other than Doug
Dear Brita,
Am following this news with equal elation and anticipation for you. Know that all my thoughts and best wishes are with you both (soon to be 3). This is excellent news and I wish you all the very best.
In terms of advice, as a parent, I have absolutely none to give as I realised that nobody has a clue about parenting and we all just wing it. The only ones who think they know anything about it are just conning themselves (and trying to con others). All this to say, “you will be fine” and “don’t worry”. You are both wonderful people who will try to do your best and I know you will do superbly well. ENJOY IT!!!! In terms of being an adoptive parent, I am sure you will have a lot of support back home – we know a few if that helps – but all that is in due course. For now, just enjoy it. You will LOVE Rani when you first see her and for the rest of your life – all other worries will dissipate instantly and all your questions or concerns will be answered instantly by the love you feel or will fade into insignificance and irrelevance..
All the best, thoughts and prayers with you.
(sorry -been travelling ‘ still travelling so don’t have chance to get on internet much to comment but am following you blog updates avidly).
Justin